Closet Farter

So.....Im a closet farter.  You know, like a gay man or woman living a straight life, but everyone knows they're gay.  Sure I can talk about farts and anything under the sun regarding the "bathroom bizness".  But in my intimate relationship with my boyfriend......I don't fart.  In fact I put up such a stink about it, now I have to back it up.  I'm sure he's heard me fart, but if I ever knew I'd be so embarrassed.  I'd consider suicide....well not really, but I might get a sudden feeling of jumping out the nearest window.  *aaaaahhhhh....splat..fart*

Why is this such a stressful thing for me.  Is there something subliminal that my sub-conscious is picking up on?  My mother expressed to my brother and I  that burping and farting are crude on purpose.  She was not against it privately or accidentally.  In fact, upon leaving the bathroom she would clue you in on her business as she would be spraying potpourri.....hmm..lemme guess what just happened in here.  Not me.....HELL NO.  I would sneak out of the bathroom like 007 on a mission.  Someone else is getting blamed for dropping the A-BOMB.  I will hold it in tight and suffer thru gas cramps or excuse myself somewhere private, cause God only knows what sound and smell will be coming out of there.  And that's another thing.  The unpredictability/mystery that a fart can reveal.  You can never know how its gonna be dressed out of your ass.  Is it the silent smooth-oh-thank-gawd-no-one-would-ever-hear-or-smell-that-one, the long silent but suddenly a slap on the ass one, or perhaps pockets of air bubbles that seem to sound like popping balloons!  My friend Mama D would be shivering in disgust at this right now.

Basically, I'm a hypocrite.  But I believe my humor about "toilet talk" is a desire to come clean or in this case.....just fart and not feel like I need to jump out windows.  Like in most cases we are usually revealing some sort of insecurity in hopes of recognizing it and laughing at how ridiculous we are being.  So what am I attempting to deal with here today.  Am I gonna walk in the bedroom right now where my boyfriend is so enjoying doing whatever he is doing.....and just lay out a fart.  Like the fart of the century.  Ugh....no.  He will read this and kiss me on my cheek and I will excuse myself to the restroom.......and fart.